Not Good Enough
by Chrissy Almasy
Summary: Pulling yet another all-nighter at the office, Kate's fed up with her boss' near-impossible demands and expectations, and she walks out. But will Gibbs let her? One-shot.


I wrote this one-shot a while ago when I was fighting with the expectations my boss (who also happens to be my father) has of me, as well as my own expections of my behaviour as a professional. I let the story more or less write itself and by the time I got the end, it gave me the answer I was looking for. And a fairly good story to boot ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't make money with this. So please don't sue.

Warning: Spell-checked but not beta-ed, so I'll take full responsibility for any typo's, errors and stupid mistakes! :)

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**(Not) Good Enough**

She looked at her watch. 03:27 am. 52 hours straight, and only a two-hour catnap to break the pace in between. Across the bullpen, Tony had fallen asleep in an awkward position with his head on his desk. McGee was downstairs with Abby, no doubt taking grateful advantage of the not-so-secret stretcher their resident Goth girl kept hidden in her lab. And Gibbs? For all she knew he was standing right behind her.

Too tired to check, Kate stifled a yawn and rubbed her face before resuming her long stare at the computer screen. Its contents had long since stopped having any meaning whatsoever, but it would be her ass if she admitted as much. Still she was so incredibly tired. They all were. Too bad the word 'tired' didn't show up in their boss' vocabulary, much like the word 'mercy'.

Anything between ten seconds and ten minutes had passed since her last fully conscious moment and the moment a tall figured halted in front of her desk.

"Got anything yet?"

As usual, Gibbs' tone suggested a negative answer was not an option. But it was the only thing she had.

"The phone records don't contain anything resembling a lead. Calls to the local grocery shop, parents' house… Nothing unusual, though."

Initially ignoring her, Gibbs turned and slammed his hand on DiNozzo's desk. Tony woke with a start, obviously spraining his neck in the process.

"Nothing suspicious in his service records, boss," he replied automatically.

"Then look again," Gibbs barked at both of them. "Petty officers don't show up with a slit throat for no good reason. Go over the evidence again until you find something that'll actually help us crack this case!"

Fatigue had worn her patience thin, or she wouldn't have talked back the way she did:

"Gibbs, we're tired beyond rational thought! Do you really expect us to concentrate enough to find anything useful?"

He rounded on her. "Why, yes, Special Agent Todd. I do."

Unable to retort, she stared at him in disbelief. His rock-hard glare told her the subject wasn't open for discussion. But then no subject ever was. And for the first time, it made her furious. No matter how much she respected Gibbs, right now she wanted nothing more than throw that eternal coffee of his in his face.

For his part, Gibbs continued to glare at her. "I expect you to do your job as an NCIS agent," he repeated when she didn't respond. "Have you got a problem with that?"

Kate closed her eyes, desperately trying to hide her anger. She knew she could take orders; she had done so all her career life. But not right now. Just not right now.

Something snapped. Without thinking about it, she yanked her coat from the back of her chair and grabbed her purse before rounding her desk and storming out of the bullpen without another glance. She heard Gibbs order her to come back, but she ignored him. Thankfully the elevator opened the instant she pressed the button, and she closed the doors as quickly as she could after getting in.

On the way down, her heart was racing. Despite her mind's objection to thinking clear thoughts, she realised that this kind of behaviour might well cost her her job. For the second time in a year. And what then? As Fornell had said not too long ago, she was running out of job options. But she couldn't make herself care. All she wanted right now was sleep.

At the ground floor, she all but ran out of the elevator, already digging in her purse for her car keys. Several other objects scratched her hand as she searched, and it wasn't before she'd reached her car that she actually found her key ring. She fumbled with it until she found the right one, but then, just as she was about to open the car door, a hand grabbed her wrist.

She yelped in surprise and tried to twist free, but the grip holding her was firm and determined. Looking over her shoulder, she wasn't sure if what she felt was relief or indignation when she found her boss staring back at her.

"D'you really think I'd let you drive in the state you're in?"

Kate tried to compose herself, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind her ear with her free hand. "A...and what state might that be then?" she countered defensively.

He turned away for a moment before looking her in the eyes. "You said yourself you're too tired to concentrate. That alone is dangerous enough in traffic. But since you're angry, too…"

"I'm a big girl, Gibbs, I can take care of myself."

"Oh yeah? Then why'd you run out just now?"

"Because," she said pointedly, wresting her hand from his grip, "I need to protect myself from you."

His rising brows where his only reaction.

"Yes, Gibbs. You push too hard. All of us, including yourself. And maybe you can take not sleeping for days. Maybe that infernal coffee of yours is strong enough to keep your head clear in the middle of the night, but the rest of us can't keep up with you."

"Tony does. McGee does."

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Keep up? They fall asleep where they stand!"

"Yeah, maybe." He nodded. "But they try. And they don't run out. Not on the case, and more importantly, not their team mates."

Kate felt her lips trembling. "Is that it?" she asked, voice shaking. "Is that what you think?"

"That's what…"

"Nonono!" she spat, cutting him off. "I gave this team everything I've got. And if this happened every once in a while, I could cope. If it happened more often, I could cope. But not every moment of every day!"

"We rarely work hours like this. You know that."

"Who's talking about the hours, Gibbs? You don't need a watch to ride our asses! It's not an occasional thing; it's a routine! And no matter how hard we try or what we do, it's never enough for you, is it? There's always that much more you demand from us. And I…I just don't think I can give any more."

For a few minutes, he didn't react to her accusations. He seemed to just take in the night air as he watched the lights of cars passing the NCIS building.

"So do you want out?" he finally asked her, sounding as solemn as she'd ever heard him.

She looked at him: her boss, her mentor. It kept amazing her that he was always so sincere, no matter what the situation. And now was no different. If she said 'yes', she didn't doubt that he would respect her decision. And then it hit her.

The asphalt of the car park was hard when she sank down on it quite unceremoniously. Tears were now flowing freely down her face. She tried to hide them, but knew she couldn't. Then she felt a strong hand on her shoulder.

"Kate?"

"…I don't want out…" she managed between sobs. "I don't want to. But I can't keep up with your expectations…"

"My expectations? Kate, all I ask from you, or anyone else on my team, is that you do you job."

She nodded, fighting to keep her shoulders still and her breath level. "I know. But you're never satisfied. It's never good enough." She wiped her face with her hand, all the while avoiding his eyes. "You know, something I wish I could be like Abby."

In the corner of her eyes she could see him frown in question. "Why?"

"Because she's got your trust. Because she can get away with not having all the answers you want when you want them. Because… God, because of a hundred thousand things. The two of you have such a tight bond. The rest of us doesn't get it. We just know that she's good enough in your eyes, and we aren't."

He seemed to consider that for a moment. Then he looked back at her.

"Why is it so important for you to be good enough in _my_ eyes? If you do your job and you do it well, I'm happy."

"No, you're not," she objected. "Not ever. More answers, shorter time span, anticipate more… It's just never enough."

"Of course I push you. How else am I supposed to teach you anything?" His voice was calm, almost tender. "And when you've done a good job, I tell you that, too. How else are you gonna know what 'doing your job' means?"

Kate nodded. That much was true; she had to admit that.

"As for Abby… I guess she gets away with so much because she's not _after_ my approval. She knows I'm happy as long as she honestly tries to do what she's supposed to. No cutting corners, no easy ways out. Tony tends to let his mind wander all over the place, so I whack him on the head, get him to focus. If I ever compliment him straight out, he slacks more. Abby doesn't, so I can get her perks without her losing her concentration." He briefly stroked the side of her head. "But don't _ever_ think you're less important than her."

She swallowed, not really knowing how to react. "I saw you kiss her one time," she finally blurted out.

Gibbs gave her a lopsided smirk. "Yeah, I guess you might've… Abby and I have known each other for a long time."

Kate now found the strength to meet his eyes. "She trusts you," she stated solemnly. "We all do."

"Then will you trust me when I say it's important to crack this case as soon as possible?"

Thinking it over for a moment, she nodded, getting back in professional mode again. "You suspect this is the work of a serial killer, don't you?"

"Yeah. All the signs say it is. And I want to get the asshole who did it before he gets the chance to make another victim."

Kate got up and straightened her clothes. "I'll go over those phone records again. Maybe I've missed something." Picking up her purse, she started back to the office entrance without looking back. And although she found her boss' behaviour difficult to predict, this time she knew he'd be right behind her.

Like he always was.

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Reviews are always welcomed!


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